After we had made our weekly trip to CHOP for an ultrasound and check up on the baby on week, I was resting on the couch arguing with my mom over jobs and careers. She insisted that I needed to get a more stable year-round job once the baby was born, that my summer job that closed for the off season would not be enough to support the two of us in the winter. As my stepdad is in the kitchen helping my little sister with her homework and listening to my mom and I go back and fourth over the whole job thing; he looks up at me and says, “what are you going to do ten years from now when you have one of these (placing his hands on my sisters shoulders) sitting at the kitchen table depending on you to provide dinner and help with homework.” I went silent and the whole room felt like the air was a thousand pounds. That was one of the heaviest wakeup calls that I had to face, and it had never crossed my mind of the long term, I just knew I needed to get through the here and now. I got up, went to my room, and I lost it. I cried out to the Lord to hear my heart, to help me be the parent that I was intended to be, that I wouldn’t let fear flood my thinking.
It was at this moment that the enemies voice became the loudest during my pregnancy journey. I was young, going through this alone, didn’t know what the future held for myself let alone a child that I would solely be responsible for. With a simple statement, the devil moved in telling me that I was too young to handle this, she would be better off with my mom or put up for adoption, that I couldn’t take care of her, I was still a child myself, and what the hell was I thinking that I could do this. As I began to have these doubts, thoughts, and cried my heart out the Lord began to move. At the time I didn’t realize it was the Lord whispering to my heart that I would be okay, I just knew that as I prayed and cried and laid it all out at His feet that I began to gain my confidence back, that a peace and quiet fell upon my room, that I would be okay because He carried us this far, He had a purpose for choosing me and giving us this story, and that He didn’t bring us this far just to let us go under now. With that, I got up, wiped my tears, rubbed my belly and told my baby girl that we would get through what ever life threw at us.
As I walked out of my room the next morning, dreading to go downstairs and face the reality of what was said the night before, I took a deep breath and headed down the steps. My stepdad had already left for work, but I found my mom in the kitchen and my baby sister watching cartoons. I snuggled up with Allison on the couch and just held her for a couple minutes before breaking the silence. I said, “Mom you were right, but hearing Tom vocalize that my baby girl only has me to rely on to take care of her, was a little harsh, but a wake-up call.” She said, “honey, he wasn’t trying to be mean, but to us it seems like your not taking this serious, you will have your own baby girl here in the next couple of months, we just want you to be a good mom and be able to provide for her. You took the hard path in life, and while this is not what you had planned, you got yourself here and now have another life to look after. We love you, but we can’t take care of you forever.” I looked my mom in the eyes and said, “I know, I don’t expect you to, and after everything these past few months has taught me and all the things that have been thrown at me, it has been a lot. But can’t you be proud of me for all that I have done already?” My mom’s response a little harsh in the moment, but I realize now it was out of tough love was, “ you want me to be proud of you for getting kicked out of school because of a boy, lying to me about it, then bringing the boy here after being kicked out of his mom’s house, this on again off again nasty, unhealthy, and dangerous relationship, then you end up pregnant while you have been running the roads and hanging out with another guy.” To hear all my wrong doings, all my failures, just thrown in my face, stung…. A lot, but she was right.
I had made some bad decisions and landed my self here in this exact spot, it was up to me to do what I needed to do to take care of myself, to prove everyone wrong, I couldn’t live in the fantasy land that my ex would play daddy to a baby who wasn’t his or that my friend with benefits would step up right away when I told him, she was his, but I was solely responsible to provide for my baby girl. These were the wake-up calls that I needed to finish doing what I needed to do to prepare for baby girl and I was determined to do it by myself. My mom could see the hurt in my eyes when I looked up at her, I smiled and I said, “Your right, but I am going to prove everyone wrong. I got my self in this situation, but I will take care of my daughter, and I will do whatever I need to do, but for now I am going to keep working overtime at Embers, save my end of the year bonus, and go from there. I have money saved up to get us through until I can find something more permanent.” And with that I got up, went upstairs, and got ready to go to the beach before I headed in to work, I needed time to clear my head.